I went to a Casting Crowns concert Monday night. Since then, one of the songs has been haunting me. Now, I'd heard this song several times before, but it has taken on new meaning. It is personal for me. It's called "Stained Glass Masquerade". It's about christians who sit in church and pretend everything is going great in their life. Here's the words:
Words and Music by Mark Hall and Nichole Nordeman
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the heart again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay
What a powerful song! It hit me yesterday that I've been living my own stained glass masquerade. I am a minister's wife. Yes, I spend time with God. Yes, I am a "good" person. I do what's expected of me. I always have. I don't like making waves. I realized yesterday that I'm afraid to show when I fail. I feel like I'm on a pedestal because I am "the Music Minister's wife". I feel like more is expected of me than the average person. So when I mess up, I don't want anyone to know it. I am in a ladies Bible study at church. We meet at a lady's house once a week and eat girl food and discuss our Bible study. It's usually a pretty fun time. However, during the discussion time, I haven't felt comfortable answering any questions simply because I'm (1) I'm shy and (2) I'm afraid that my answer will not be up to par with what they think a music minister's wife should say. Am I putting some pressure on myself or what? Well, this week I got a little behind on my Bible study. Since we went to the concert Monday night, I didn't get a chance to catch up. I didn't think it would be a problem since the leader doesn't pressure anyone to answer. I figured no one would know that I messed up. Well, this week she asked the questions differently. She made each of us draw a question from the Bible study. Well, I was doing some praying that my question would be from the first part of the week!!! But, wouldn't you know, it wasn't. Now the actual question wasn't that hard, but I just panicked. I ended up confessing that I didn't finish my study. I still had to answer the question though. Like I said, it wasn't hard. But, I admitted my failure to everyone. I was so mortified that I'd fallen short in everyone's eyes of what I should be. I wanted to start crying on the spot. (Hormones don't help, either, when you're 5 months pregnant.) But I answered the best I could and we moved on. There were no words of condemnation, but a few of encouragement. Still, I wonder what they really thought. On the way home, I let myself cry. And it was a good one too. I realized that the whole time I was more worried about what my small group would think, rather than what God thought. I immediately became ashamed. But how do you fight something like that? My perfectionism didn't start when I got married. I've been that way my whole life. My parents pushed me to be the best, but they didn't have to push hard. I wanted it. Bad. Now, I don't necessarily want to be the best at being a christian, but I do want to live up to everyone's expectations of me. It's so hard because there are so many. This is an issue I am going to have to pray hard about. And give it to God. And to practice, I am going to work on my response to the question "How are you doing?" I'm going to try and actually tell the truth, instead of automatically answering "Fine." If I can reveal my weaknesses, maybe then someone else can be blessed by encouraging me. And I might be able to help someone else, too. If there is anyone reading this at all, please pray that I will depend on God to help me and that I will seek His approval only.
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3 comments:
Okay, every one of your posts is good! I can SO identify with this one...worrying more about what other people think. Man, I do that a lot. I think I may be getting a little better at it, and I know you are too. Love ya!
oh girl, i hurt for you when i read this post. i've been there. and there's nothing like giving in and saying "this is who i am. imperfect and trying. here i am, i'd like for you to accept me, but i'm not gonna change for that, i will try though, because i want to be who Christ created me to be. if anyone can identify with this weakness i could really use some encouragement, if not, maybe we can find something else in common another day." there's freedom and love and encouragement in being genuine for the world to see and i think you'll be amazed at how badly other people want to be genuine and will feel free to be that with you. it's not easy, but you're on the right track. i will pray for you.
I agree, great blogg! I worry a lot less now about what people think of me than I used to.. but I sometimes don't worry nearly enough about what God must think. It's a great reminder!
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